While I was listening to a rare, unauthorised, unpublished, underground, bootleg recording of Frank Zappa's version of César Franck's Symphony in D-minor, an announcement came up via the network that you don't know about using technology that does not exist in this universe.
According to sources I don't have to reveal to you because they officially do not exist, a UN coalition force found a cave on the Pakistan border that had recently been occupied by Al Qaeda.
No news there.
The unique fascination resides in the fact that the cave is apparently a shrine Al Qaeda set up in honour of one of their great inspirations.
Namely, Tom Clancy.
According to notes buried in the ceiling, operatives use spy and adventure novels of Western countries to carry out their plans, conveniently laid out in fictional detail by bestselling and obscure authors.
With the release of new Kindle firmware by Amazon, terrorists can sync their actions via page numbers in ebooks easily read out in the open with no one suspecting they are following orders down to the paragraph, sentence and letter, period.
Analysts at DARPA are going back through novelised versions of "Murder, She Wrote," hoping to figure out which town resident is next to be played by an out-of-work and formerly controversial actor willing to be killed for the sake of weekly ratings.
Hotels, in fear of losing their valuable valets, are insisting that special guests no longer pull up under the awnings or covered entranceways, worried that WMDs will be set off by infiltrating suicidal taxi/limo drivers who will also kill the best parking attendants the hotels had ever hired.
The guests they can easily replace.
My friend, Elizabeth, familiar to most of you, assured me that her best method of dealing with such uncivilised, unruly drivers is to heavily wax the hardwood or cement floors on which taxis and limos are parked, throw an ashtray or skillet at suspected terrorists and watch them break their necks as they slip and fall.
Another test she recommends is to draw the attention of the driver, who will swerve, because he/she was focused on the ebook displayed on the mobile phone or ebook reader perched between the dashboard and the steering wheel.
Speaking of playing chicken on the road, do you think the Iranian naval vessels are hoping to pull a "Remember the Maine" event to enable Iran to launch an offensive attack on Israel? Ahmen-a-jihad has been accused of worse.
And what of countries whose silence on such matters may point to secret funding of counterpoint-postcounter-rotisserie-revolution?
And the two young women who watched "Unknown" unknowingly? They couldn't drink enough to be convinced to see the Justin Bobblehead teenie bopper movie. Thank goodness, Lauren serves popcorn and Coke like a real pro - there's a future in business marketing for her, should she have the right connections through her friends in the world of sports.
And while we're on the subject of sports, fans will be standing in their seats to see if the 10-year anniversary will cause another great pileup at the end. Thank goodness, Michael Waltrip and Sterling Marlin are nowhere to be seen. Who will win? As the saying goes, "they call him the streak, boogity boogity, the fastest thing on two feet." No, DW, it's not you.
That's all, folks. Ethel, get your clothes on!!!!
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