[Some days I'd trade my dry writ for the perfect use of a comma]
The Russian government today filed a lawsuit in the World Court, claiming that the American Tourister luggage company has direct responsibility for the recent airport attack because their gorilla adverts clearly were intended to provoke terrorist attacks on the sovereign soil of Mother Russia.
Also, the auto industry refuses to make a comment about the report released earlier this morning, sponsored by the gun industry, that shows more murders and murder-suicides are caused by people in cars than by people discharging firearms or pistol-whipping victims.
The national legislature has already opened a subcommittee hearing exploring the line of thought that distracted drivers - no matter whether they're distracted by personal electronic gizmos, the beeps and whistles of their motor vehicles, the beeps, whistles or sign language of other drivers, and/or drugs/alcohol in the bloodstream - will automatically be served with an arrest warrant for murder in the first degree for causing any personal or property damage.
Parent associations have already begun picketing the hearing, claiming that the government must provide mandatory standardised training for all children about the dangers of distracted driving before the parents' children can be accused of murder.
The police benevolence society mounted a counterprotest, tired of dealing with whimpering teenagers who cry, "I know I killed the other driver, but my lover just broke up with me using a text, because he saw that advert for unlimited text plans! My life is ruined!," and miss the irony in their confessionary statements.
Religious groups have called for tolerance, saying that the afterlife and karma will take care of those who commit murder, suicide or murder-suicide, and we should forgive them here in this life so that hatred does not feed a cycle of creating more distracted criminals.
Film school students are testing a storyboard idea to turn today's news into a cult flick.
The World Trade Organisation issued an advisory about the clandestine use of black pepper as legal tender, warning governments to test the pepper before accepting it as payment for back taxes by bankrupt politicians kicked out of office for their participation in the banking crisis. One fast-food company executive has already been caught trying to pass off sawdust and other fillers as black pepper.
Universe Cup officials posted a preliminary set of rule changes for next year's playoffs, which will finally settle the matter of whether combining World Cup futbol and American/Canadian/Australian rules football into one super league was a good idea. Field hockey and jai alai leagues have once again refused to merge into the Universe Cup, leaving fans with the main question unanswered - "Who is the best athlete in the world?"
That's all the news.
Now, back to the 30-minute informercial that you think is a sitcom tailored to your lifestyle.
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