Did you know the USDA will poison any group of animals you ask it to? Test it out and see for yourself.
"This is the USDA. May I help you?"
"This isn't the Highway Department?"
"That's right."
"You mean it is."
"It isn't, you are correct."
"Well, I was wondering what you were going to do about the blacktop that is crumbling in this weather."
"I'm sorry, the connection is poor. Did you say you have black birds that are eating crumbs in this weather?"
"That's right. You're tearing up the asphalt with all the corrosive salt you all are pouring."
"Did you say we're bearing fault for not correcting while it's snowing?"
"Yes, and that stuff'll poison the grass."
"Oh, no. It only poisons the birds."
"Well, doesn't that bother you?"
"Why should it? It's our job. Do you want us to come out there or not?"
"Are you going to repave the roads in this weather?"
"Oh, we'll repair your problem all right. The roads will be clear in a matter of days."
"Sounds good to me."
"If you hear about any dead black birds, just tell them you sent for the USDA to take care of your problem."
"Seems extreme to me, but if that's what it takes to fix the roads these days, you do what you gotta do."
"We're here to serve the taxpayers. Have a good day."
"You, too. Thanks!"
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